Look at me
by Tsuki W
Summary: It is really hard to fall in love with a friend who does not notice about your feelings. But it is harder going through that situation everyday, he ignoring you as a woman while you yell out a silent "look at me". Story translated from the Spanish story "Mírame" written by me.
1. Chapter 1

Since English is not my first language, and this is my first fanfic in English, I hope you might tolerate those mistakes I could have made. Thank you.

 **Look at me**

I cannot believe it has been eleven years since I met him, eleven years that I like him. I could say I like him since the first time I saw him, even though I was a child then and I thought that did not make sense. I did not want to be categorized as a victim of the "Nakazawa syndrome" –I myself had forged the name-. This syndrome makes you obsessed, since you are a child, with a fool masculine and scatterbrain odd-fellow who never noticed you liked him because he is only thinking on soccer…and that happened to me. Damn in! I should quit before, I should forget about him before, but he became that special think I needed when I did not see him or hear his voice. Is that love or stupidity? I do not know, but that was it.

I guess I am a masochistic and a coward dumb, because knowing how he was I never dared to confess to him and say he was more than a friend for me. Why would I do that? To get the same answer he used to give to those girls who confessed to him? "Thanks, but I am not interested on having a relationship with anyone". Straightforward, cruelly direct. Watching at those disheartened faces, some even in shock, made me quit of trying to suggest I liked him. But, if my best friend and some of my closest friends realized what was happening with me, I guess I was not so good at hiding my feelings. However, he never noticed them.

He never noticed that I liked to be with him when we were with our friends, leaving aside even my best friend. He never noticed the Christmas gifts I used to give to him not meant "friendliness". He never noticed I was smiling wide when he rejected some girl who confessed to him, because, for me, it was one girl less to worry about. He never noticed I used to go to the Toho soccer matches not because I was a soccer fan but because I wanted to see him –actually I did not like soccer so much-. He never noticed I hated my cousin because of him, because I did not like see him being displaced from the position of main goalkeeper in the Japanese team. And, obviously, he never noticed that I preferred to go to Nagoya instead of staying at Toho University because of him. I could go to Kobe, with my best friend, but I did not do it because the fool of me wanted to be with him. Damn Nakazawa syndrome…

He never knew, and he will not know, how many nights I spent studying to apply and pass the entrance examination to the Nagoya University. Even though I was not a bad student at Toho Institute, I did not like studying so much. So, imagine how hard I had to work in order to be able to pass that difficult examination. Love or obsession, I do not know, but I realized so late that I was doing the same as I criticized many classmates who commented about their loved ones and what they would be able to do for them: losing their dignity and focus their world on someone who was not worth. Or maybe I did know what I was doing, but I preferred to lie to myself saying it was not the same, and of course it was.

I guess I got to feel satisfied because he still remained indifferent to women. Soccer was his world and his only interest. At least, as a friend of his and leaving in the same city as him, I had a perfect excuse to do many things with him, such as going to lunch, go to the cinema sometimes, even going with him to some events with the people of the Nagoya soccer club. All of that was normal for us but from the "friend zone", of course. I think that even if I undressed myself in front of him he would never try to do something to me. He would ask if the temperature was so hot that I had to get undressed, and he would turn on the air conditioner for me.

invitación de su club. Todo eso se me hizo muy normal, claro que siempre desde la posición de amiga, porque creo que ni desvistiéndome frente a él, él habría intentado algo conmigo. Jeje, pienso que si lo hacía él hasta era capaz de preguntarme si me hacía tanto calor que necesitaba quitarme la ropa y que podía encender el aire acondicionado para mí. He is that kind of clueless…

Once, in his birthday –I do not know how or why- I summoned my courage and dared to give him a quick and soft kiss on his lips. The kiss was so fast that I barely felt the touch.

Incluso una vez, en uno de sus cumpleaños –no sé cómo ni por qué- me envalentoné y me atreví a darle un rápido y suave beso en los labios, tan rápido que apenas sentí el toque. He looked at me raising an eyebrow and asked me surprised what the hell that had been. What could I respond? That I wanted to know if he had some feeling about me or if I could produce any reaction in him? Well, no, I could not say that. So, I made up that since I did not know if he would kiss a women in the future, I was giving him his first kiss as a birthday present. He smiled and told me that was not necessary, because he will get a girlfriend sometime. His answer broke my heart because he was right. Some day that would happen, although I did not expect –nor want- that happening any time soon.

A day like so many, after a particularly hard exams time in the University, we agreed to meet to go to lunch. Before he appeared, some of his teammates saw me and, as they used to do, greeted me and said my "boyfriend" was coming soon. I just smiled and said nothing else, because he clarified many times before that we were not a couple –each clarification was a stitch in the chest for me, because I already knew that- but just friends. That I was his _kouhai_.

I saw him coming and I smiled unconsciously. Afterward I had not seen him for many days. But, as soon as he appeared my smile vanished because I saw a girl running to him and then grabbing him by the arm. She did not let him go even though he tried to let loose from her, because he does not like being touched by anyone. It turn out to be this girl was the nutritionist in charge of the team. When they approached to me she greeted me as if she knew me. Apparently, she learned about me from questions she made to Ken and his teammates. She said "hi, Ken-kun's _kouhai_ ", and I thought those words sounded as insults to me. Besides, what is with that "Ken-kun"? Who the hell do you think you are to call him in that way? Just me, his friend for more than ten years, could call him by this first name, not you, newcomer and sickly-sweet I-do-not-care-what-your-name-is. Asshole… She did not even notice how uncomfortable he was trying to let loose of her, or maybe she did not want to notice it.

The truth is she started talking to him as if I was not there. I was there like an idiot, standing in front of them without saying a word, because I did not know what I could say. He did not look at me even once, so, why I should save him from that awkward situation? Then, suddenly, she came out with a story I already knew –from many girls before- stating that _"she would like to go for a drink with him some time"_ or _"if he was free that weekend she would cook for him"_. Oh my, women could be so predictable. When I thought this issue would end with him answering the usual, Ken appeared saying _"yes, why not"_. I can swear I felt like a hole opening under my feet and my heart stopped for some seconds. I hope none of them saw me in that moment, because I should have a scared face for sure. I even felt like my entire body was frozen. She smiled wide because of his answer and told him she would wait for him at her apartment on Saturday. She would tell him her address by message.

Wait a second. He cannot make it, not that Saturday. I looked at Ken in anguish, hoping he would say that, because we had made plans for Saturday. My birthday was that weekend, on Saturday. He looked confused. I really felt like something breaking inside me when he said _"I think I had something to do on Saturday but I forgot what was that. So, yes, see you on Saturday"_. Disappointment, I felt that, disappointment, anger, frustration, pain…I do not know what else to say. He did not see me as a woman, neither attractive in any way, nor as an important friend as I thought. Maybe you think I am exaggerating the situation, but I really hoped he would be able to be with me for a while on my birthday. Although he did not know how important that would be for me.

I guess the kiss she gave him, as a sign of gratitude that surprised him, was the final thrust. She said goodbye to him and then to me, and went wherever she came from. He looked uncomfortable, even flushed, while I wanted to cry for having been so stupid for the last eleven years. I gathered the pieces of my broken heart, clenched my fists and forced my feet to move. He caught up with me and asked where we were going to eat. I stopped and looked at him with anger, anger against myself, against him, against that intruder…against everyone. Then I said I was not hungry anymore and I had to go back to the University. At least he remembered I did not have any class that afternoon, and told me so, but then I made up I had an extra class I could not miss. Before starting to cry in front of him, I reached out and took the first taxi I could, without giving him any chance to tell me anything else. He cruelly ended up with any hope I had about being more than a friend for him some time, and he did not even noticed it.

* * *

 _Paola Wakabayashi and Aiko Fujimiya are OCs created by Tsuki_W._

 _All the Captain Tsubasa's characters are property of Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha._

 _Thank you for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

_This story was translated from the Spanish story "Mírame", written by me, Tsuki W._

 **Look at me**

 **Chapter 2**

That Saturday I cancelled the plans I had with my friends and went with my best friend to a bar in Yokohama. I told her about what had happened with Ken, and –knowing that words would not soothe my grieving- she just stayed there with me. I was deciding whether to finish the second beer I had ordered. I never drank before, but due to my sorrow and frustration, I decided to start that same day. However, the bitterness of the beer did not like me at all.

I still was there, staring at the half-full glass in my hand, trying not to think of anything. Suddenly, my best friend told me my cellphone was ringing. I hate myself for my heart skipping a beat when I saw who was calling in. I almost answered the phone, but the remains of my damaged dignity told me not to do it. Therefore, I turned off my cellphone to not being tempted if he calls again.

I thought that he might be calling because he did not know where to buy something, or because he wanted to know if his cat, Napoleon, liked more this or that brand of food; or even that he wanted advice about what to do with Aiko –that was the name of the intruder-. I was not like to answer stupid questions. I was in a mood to tell him about my anger and confess –in harsh words- I had wasted my time with him for the last eleven years. But, since he was not entirely guilty for something I had not been clear about, I thought it was not fair to vent my rage on him. Anyway, it was better not teasing me that moment.

At the end, I did not finish my beer because it had a bad taste. Naoko –my best friend- just chuckled when I said my attempt to start drinking had been a waste of time. However, that small amount of alcohol made me sleepy. Moreover, since I could not sleep well for some days due to that ungrateful man, just imagine how much I needed to put myself to sleep.

We were about to leave. Naoko got the check, and while we were waiting for the bill being brought by that sluggish waitress, someone I had not seen for some time appeared and made everything around me change from that very moment. I guess I have to thank the sluggish waitress for that, hehe.

My heart popped a wheelie when I saw him, because he was my friend and we knew each other since childhood. Due to my family circumstances, I had to leave the city where we met, but every time we come across it is as if time did not pass. He always has greeted me in an affectionate and affective way, and that time was no exception. I guess the fact of having spent a couple of years since the last time we met justified his big hug. I did not expect that hug, but I corresponded with pleasure because I always felt good being with him.

-Look at you. I did not see you for a few months and you are different again –he said, looking at me from head to toe

-It has been more than "a few months" since the last time I saw you –I corrected, smiling- You make it sound like I am a kind of frog in metamorphosis –I joked

-That is right. I should have tell it in a different way –he apologized ashamed, putting a hand on the back of his nape

-Hi, I am Hoshigawa Naoko –my friend introduced herself. I think she felt ignored and I did not want that. I did it unintentionally- I am Paola's best friend

-Hello. My apologies for not saying hello before. I am Izawa Mamoru, and I used to be Paola's best friend –he briefly looked at me, amused

-And almost my boyfriend –I clarified, while pretending being serious, remembering our childhood

-Oh, yes. Almost her boyfriend too, sorry –he followed the joke- Is a boyfriend you had when you were five just "almost" a boyfriend?

-Of course. It was not a formal relationship

-Oh, I see –he muttered, feigning disappointment, while I laughed

Forgetting about his friends, who surely would be waiting for him in another part of the bar, Mamoru stayed with us. We started to tell Naoko about our childhood, when we lived in Nankatsu city. She was very honest and said she could not imagine me living with my nasty cousin Genzo –she knows I did not like him-, even worse in such a small and boring town. The truth is, in that time, I found that city big and overwhelming, because I had been separated from my parents recently –or rather, they got rid of me-, and Mamoru was one of the people who made me feel a little better in such a bitter situation.

-Oops, by the way –he suddenly said, as if remembering something- Happy birthday! –he happily exclaimed, and my heart skipped a beat. He, whom I had not seen in some time, remembered what that day was

I guess Naoko was also surprised, because she made a funny face. I do not have many friends, because I am no so friendly. So, few people know and care about when I was born. I think she thought it was really nice to meet someone who could appreciate me. I am sure of that, because she treated him to a drink, and she never does that, much less to a man.

Having heard about our most funny and outstanding childhood details, it was Naoko's turn to tell about all the moments we shared at the Toho boarding school. In the middle of the story, Mamoru asked for a minute, so he went where his friends were and told them better not counting on him for the rest of the night. Then, he came back with us.

I do not know what time was when we decide to leave, and we did it because my exhaustion was at the limit and I felt that I would fall asleep at any moment. Otherwise, we would have been at the bar until the owner kicks us out of the place, hehe.

We walk for a while. He was telling us how everything was going on with him and his soccer team. Then, just then, when he mentioned the "soccer" word I remembered Ken. It might sound ridiculous, but I felt proud of myself –and thankful to him- because thanks to Mamoru I could stop lamenting –at least for some hours- Ken's indifference and cruel unawareness. So, before taking the cab Naoko called, I dared to kiss Mamoru on his cheek and say a sincere "thank you". Although he did not know was I was talking about, he smiled and promised to keep in contact with me. He hoped to see each other again, so did I.

If Naoko did not do what she did, it would not be Naoko –she likes to do unexpected things-. She asked the driver to wait for a moment when the cab was about to leave. Then, she opened the window, put herself above me, leaned out the window and asked Mamoru with no shame if he had a girlfriend. Quite confused, Mamoru said, _"no, I do not"_. Naoko smiled widely and said _"ah, okay"_ , like if nothing had happened. Then, she asked the driver to move forward, while saying goodbye cynically to Mamoru. I wanted to die of shame. Why did she want to know that if she is married?

-Ah, silly, I have found it out for you –she said, while smiling mischievously

-Why for me? –I asked, I did not understand. Did she not get I was already suffering for a man?

-Because a hand washes the other, and this "hand" is not only good-looking but also good for you –Naoko answered, pretending to be very smart

-I prefer not to inquire –I said. Anyway, my brain was almost turning off because I was tired, so I did not want to analyze Naoko's ideas

I woke up some hours later on the _futon_ Naoko had put for me at her home and turned my cellphone on. Then, my Facebook and email notifications popped up –most of them were junk-. I noticed I had some missing calls from Kazuki, and a couple from Ken. The last ones caught my eye.

-He found Napoleon's food, for sure –I thought sarcastically. Then, I noticed I had a voice message from him

Even though I wanted to ignore that message –I wanted to keep my dignity-, I gave in to my curiosity and called voicemail to know what kind of message he had left.

- _"Why don't you answer? Did you forget to charge your cellphone again?"_

-Pfff, did he leave a message to complain about why I did not answered the phone? –I was angry

- _"I was eating with Aiko-san when I remembered what I had to do today, and I am so sorry"_ –he said, and my heart frozen- _"I really forgot about your birthday. Are you with the guys? I hope you are having fun. Say hello to them for me. Bye"._

That was all. Like a stupid, I played the message two more times to know if the message was complete. And yes, it was. There was not a "happy birthday" or "I will reward you", nor even a "I will give you a hug when we meet". There was nothing. I guess I was expecting too much from him. After all, he would not have time because he was with the only woman who caught his attention. The only woman from whom he had accepted an invitation. The only woman he would be doing "other things" with, things I did not want to even imagine about.

It hurt. Realizing I had been falling in love with someone so selfish and apathetic hurt. Someone who was no interested at all about how thoughtful I was to him. Someone who would never see me as anything but a friend or "Napoleon's official feeder". Because, when he is not in the city, I am the person who goes to his apartment to feed and take care of his cat. He, for sure, loves his cat more than me, because he is more affectionate with him. Stupid cat and stupid Ken. Well, I take back my words, Napoleon is not stupid, it is nice and good with me. But its owner is really stupid and I keep it: Ken, you are stupid.

That weekend he did not call again. I guess he thought that simple message had been enough for me. As the week went on, he did not call. Then, I realized I was always the idiot who used to plan to meet him or to go for lunch with him. Recounting, he never invited me o told me to do anything together. Even those times I went with him to his club's parties or meetings, I had heard about them by chance –usually, his teammates tell me about it-. I myself suggested I could go with him if he wanted to. He, shrugging, used to reply that _"could be"_. I was really dumb.

At that point –I guess it was the lowest point, because it was the height what I thought and you will know what- I asked myself how the hell Sanae had endured so much and at the end, out of nowhere, she got married to Tsubasa. I assumed that man would not be so fool as I thought, because he had noticed there was life beyond soccer. He realized Sanae was not a cone –those ones used during soccer practices-, but a woman. However, I do not want to analyze how they managed to have children. That would be too much for my swamped brain. I just can say that Tsubasa could understand that some parts of his body have more functions than the usual, and I will not tell more about that topic.

* * *

 _Paola Wakabayashi, Naoko Hoshigawa, Aiko Fujimiya and Napoleon (the cat) are OC characters created by Tsuki_W._

 _All the Captain Tsubasa's characters belong to Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha._

 _Thank you for reading!_


	3. Chapter 3

This story was translated from the Spanish story "Mírame", written by me, Tsuki W.

 **Look at me**

 **Chapter 3**

That Saturday I was planning to stay at home and just lay down in my bed all day long. Suddenly, the bell rang and I had to go to check who was at the door. It maybe was the building janitor to say that gas price had increased again because of the energy problems in the country, and that kind of claptrap.

I opened the door and frozen. Ken was there, at the door, looking at me so calmly, carrying his cat on his arms. He did not even say hello, but was direct as always.

-Napoleon does not want to eat, I think he misses you –he said, stretched his hands out and handed me his cat

I did not even wanted to make a claim for his lack of delicacy of forgetting my birthday just because he wanted to meet another woman. So, I take Napoleon and he purred to me, rubbing his head against my neck.

-Are you sick, my little friend? Why do you not want to eat? –I asked, petting him on his back- Did you take him to the vet? –I inquired, while avoiding to looking at Ken

-Yes, I did. He told me he is healthy

-Well, at least he decided it was a good idea taking him to the vet –I thought sarcastically

At that moment, I do not know why, I believed I was dealing with an idiot.

-So, why did you bring him to me?

-I told you before. I think he misses you, because of that he does not want to eat –Ken said again

-Let's see if that is true –I said, and put Napoleon down on the floor

I did not offer Ken to come in on purpose. I was very resentful towards him. I wanted to be the least kind to him because he deserved it. However, since he does not notice about anything, he came into my apartment, went to sit in an armchair and started looking for something to watch on TV.

-This is the height of the insolence –I thought, outraged. But, of course, I myself had allowed him to be like this with me

I went to the kitchen and take out a bag of cat food from the cupboard. I had that kind of food for some emergency cases –those times when Ken forgets to say he would not be at home for some days-. I looked for the plate Napoleon used to use when he was at my apartment, and put some food on it.

As soon as I put the plate down on the floor, the little cat jumped over it. He raised his head from time to time only to verify I was there next to him. I cannot say how touched I felt because of it. At least he did need me and knew if I am not around. So, I squatted and rubbed his head gently, while he continued eating. I felt like crying.

-See? You were the problem –Ken said. He had stopping watching the TV and was leaning against the open door

-"The problem"? –I said, frowning

Unintentionally he just had touched raw nerves and I was not going to keep quite this time.

-What do you mean with that? –I asked, standing up- Am I a problem for you now? That is the last straw!

I wanted to say more but I contained myself. I did not even know what I wanted to yell at him until feeling I was free. I just bit my lip and left the kitchen. I did not want Ken being in front of me.

-Not a problem for me, but for Napoleon –he clarified, so calmly as before- He is used to being fed by you

-Well, he will have to get used to it no longer –I let fly, looking at him furiously- I am really busy and cannot go to your apartment every day. Why do you not ask your friend Aiko that favor?

I wanted to know what he would say.

-Aiko-san works all day long –he alleged, not being a little upset

Can really someone be so stupid? It is supposed that, in times like that, you have to kindly say –even if it is forced- _"it would not be the same"_. So, the other person may feel you care for him. But, we are talking about Ken, of course, the indifferent and distant _Karate keeper_. The insensitive and stupid Ken Wakashimazu.

-Do you think I am not busy? –I asked, insulted

-I know you are studying, but working is different –he remarked, and made me angrier

Just in case, was he saying that what that asshole does is more important than what I do?

-Besides, you yourself offered your assistance, didn't you?

-Thank you for reminding me –I said sarcastically

-And Napoleon got used to you

-He could get used to someone else

-That would take some time. You know he has a difficult personality

I wanted to punch his face. Could he not open his eyes a little bit and see I just wanted a thoughtful answer to me?

-So, will you go? –he asked, since I did not give a response

-I will go, but just until you find someone else to do it –I said, looking away

-It is okay –he accepted. So simply as that

-Is it okay? –I asked myself in my mind. Is it really okay? You are such an insensitive asshole

-By the way, can I leave Napoleon with you today? –Ken looked hesitant

-Why? –some doubts arouse on me

-I had planned to have a dinner with Aiko-san today, but I do not think I will have sufficient time for going back home and leave Napoleon there

-Will you have a dinner with her? –I repeated, my heart shook- What, did you finally get a girlfriend? –I teased him, waiting for an _"of course not"_

-I guess –his answer was indifferent

-What do you mean with that?

-I do not know. I guess we are dating if we do "couple stuff" –he sounded so simple and absurd that I became exasperated

I wanted to know. I really wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about. I wanted to know what kind of stuff he had done with that woman to make him think she was his girlfriend. But, I could not ask, that would be very masochistic. I had been torturing myself for so many years having an unrequited love and it was enough with that.

-I hate you –I said in my mind

My words did not come out, neither my questions. The knot in my throat grew, and I could not let him see me crying.

-So, can I leave Napoleon here? I may come for him tomorrow

-Whatever –I felt hurt

I lifted Napoleon –he was licking one of his legs- and took him to my room. Then, I closed the door and said nothing else.

-Thank you! –he cinically yelled

Next, I heard how the main door was closed.

-You are an asshole… -I muttered, as my chest hurt and my tears started to fall on the head of the cat, who was trying to lick my face

The next day, as he said, Ken appeared to take Napoleon with him. I said nothing to him. I just said goodbye to the cat and turned my face away, muttering _"bye"_ , then I closed the door. I can swear he attributed my strange behavior to "my days".

Some days later, maintaining my position on not calling him, I got a call from Kazuki. He, with no effort to hide his true intentions, asked if I had a problem with Ken. Seemingly, he had call him to know if there was something wrong with me, because I had not called him.

I tried to preserve my damaged self-esteem and said I was trying to keep my distance because Ken already had a girlfriend, and that was painful for me.

Kazuki kept quiet for many seconds. Maybe he was trying to organize his thoughts, so he would be able to tell me about them in a no so brutal way –as he usually is-. I know he already knew I had gone through enough cruelty.

He supported my decision and told me that everything would be better in that way. That tore me to pieces, because it was true. I just could answer, _"You are right",_ even though I did not want to accept it.

The very thought of getting away from Ken hurt me. Maybe I could get used to it with the passing time, just as Napoleon would get used to not needing me. However, how is it possible to start such a painful endeavor?

Anyway, I decided to put my plan of keeping away from Ken in practice. Nevertheless, even before starting, I made an absurd deal with myself: if he calls me in the next three days, I would reconsider my plan. After all, sometimes love does not make sense nor has dignity.

I waited anxiously for those first three days, waiting for a call or a message, but nothing happened. Again, I scolded myself for being so idiot and having wait something he would never do. My decision was taken, and I had to continue with my plan even if that hurt me.

As I have offered, I kept going to his apartment in order to feed Napoleon. I did not want to see Ken, so I went with the cat during the hours Ken was not at home.

I stopped buying and leaving food in the fridge for him, as I was used to do. Usually, he did not have the time or just was too lazy to do shopping. Because of that, I would leave food or water for him. Thereby, at least, his fridge would not look deserted as it was. I felt like his "savior".

Doing that –not leaving some food for Ken- was not so easy. I had to resist the temptation I felt due to the idea of Ken, in the middle of the night, looking for something in the fridge and finding nothing. However, I got rid of the idea holding on to my pride, that pride I finally could dust off and show again.

One day, I went as usual to Ken's apartment. Napoleon came out to meet me, while purring at my feet. I bent to pick him up, and, suddenly, heard the door was opening. I was so startled, because it was supposed there was no one else at the apartment at that time.

-Hi –Ken calmly greeted me, stretching, wearing only his pajama pants

-Put on a t-shirt or something –I grunted, looking away

My face was burning. Imagine how you would feel if the person you like appears half-naked in front of you. Damn hormones that react so easily with him.

-It is too hot –he said, undaunted, walking barefoot to the kitchen

-Why are you here? –I asked, picking Napoleon up- Why are not you at your practice?

-I had a game yesterday, so today there is no practice –he took out from the fridge a half-finished bottle of water to drink from it

-Damn it! I forgot it –I muttered annoyed

Silly me! How could I forget that? Because of the game I had taken refuge in home and avoided going near the soccer stadium.

-I have not seen you for days. Have you been busy? –his question sounded like made by chance

-Did you notice it? –I was sarcastic

-Of course, the fridge is empty

My jaw dropped. Had he seriously noticed my absence because of the empty fridge?

-Besides, we are not going for lunch together anymore –he calmly said

-I guess you did not need to analyze how empty was your fridge to notice that –I felt hurt and like crying

-What?

-It is nothing

-Have you been sick? –he seemed concerned

I had to be strong and called to my lost dignity, so that face would not convince me.

-No, I have not

-So?

-Do you really care?

-Why are you asking that? –he asked, one of his eyebrows went up

Once again, he did not know what was happening.

-It is nothing

I did not want to give that answer. I really wanted to throw everything I thought into his face, but that would not make sense.

-I did not know you were here –I said- So, since you are able to feed Napoleon, I am leaving

Then, I let Napoleon go and moved toward the door.

-But he wants you to feed him

-How do you know that?

-I fed him and he did not touch the food

I turned to look the cat's plate and realized that was true. There was food on it, but Napoleon was sitting at my feet, looking at me as he wagged his tail.

-That does not make sense –I grunted. Ken had to be making it up

I walked to the plate, picked it up and then left it where it was. Strangely, Napoleon came and began to eat.

-See? –he said in a teasing tone

-Well, at least you understand how the cat feels –I was very sarcastic

-What?

-It is nothing

We remained in silence. We could hear only the sound of Napoleon eating. I did not want to see Ken. I bit my tongue to not letting a word come out. I wanted him feeling the way I felt when he was indifferent to me.

-Do you have class? –he suddenly asked

-You know I do not –I still did not look at him

-So, are you going to stay for lunch?

-Huh?

I looked at him astonished. Even my heart skipped a beat.

-Aiko-san cooked dinner for me yesterday and I have some leftovers. I guess we can eat that at lunch

-Aiko-san? –I said in my mind, and my heart shook- So, she prepares dinner for him as "real lovers"

-So? –he insisted, because I was staring at him without answering

-I do not like to eat leftovers –I answered and looked away

-But it is homemade

-Even so

-You will like it

-No! –I broke out, and one of his eyebrows went up

-Well then, we can go to buy something for you. I will eat the leftovers

-No

-No what

-I will not stay –I said almost running toward the door

-Do you have something to do? –he followed me

-Yes

-What

-Something

-"Something"?

-Yes, something –I said again, frowning- So stop questioning. I am leaving –then, I put my shoes on

-You are weird these days. Maybe…is it because of those problems women have every month? –Ken suggested, with such a naïve tone, that I wanted to punch his face

-My menstruation has nothing to do with me leaving your house –I was annoyed and offended

I was right. He attributed my different behavior to "my days".

-Bye –I said and left without turning

The people on the train looked surprised, because it should not be so normal having someone there crying while embracing a metal bar. A lady, when she got off the train, patted my shoulder as she passed by me. I was really pifitul.

* * *

 _Paola Wakabayashi, Naoko Hoshigawa, Aiko Fujimiya and Napoleon (the cat) are OC characters created by Tsuki_W._

 _All the Captain Tsubasa's characters belong to Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha._

 _Thank you for reading!_


	4. Chapter 4

This story was translated from the Spanish story "Mírame", written by myself.

Since English is not my first language, and this is my first fanfic in English, I hope you might tolerate those mistakes I could have made. Thank you.

 **Look at me**

 **Chapter 4**

While I was trying to be successful at getting away from Ken, Mamoru sent me some messages that brightened my day. As he promised, Mamoru kept in touch. Those greeting short messages made me smile.

Kazuki kept calling to know how everything was going on. I lied, saying it was easy to be kept away from Ken. I guess he knew I was lying, since he just used to say _"ah"_ and then started to tell me about his day, trying to change the subject and cheer me up (he always has funny stories to tell).

Naoko also called me, especially to support my decision and to insult Ken. I know she would have not be able to insult him face to face, since he is her friend too. But there are things just girl friends can understand.

New Saturday and I have to study. At least, studying so hard made me think less about how would be Ken and if he would miss me a little bit. I took a break and went to get the mail out of my mailbox. While I was going back to my apartment I checked what I had received, and noticed an envelope with no sender name. My heart gave a jump when I read _"To Paola"_ in a well-known handwriting.

Once in my apartment, I opened the packet. I did not know whether crying, laughing or getting upset. The envelope contained a free entrance ticket for the game Nagoya Grampus would play that day. There was not a note, a letter, a piece of napkin written on it, or anything. There was nothing but that damned ticket. I took a deep breath and clench my fists. I was ready to break the ticket in two, when I noticed what it was printed on it.

-Yokohama Marinos? –I read surprised- They play against Yokohama Marinos?

Then, I remembered the message Mamoru sent me the day before. A message I could not understand completely. He sent an _"are you a fan of Nagoya? Because we are gonna win"_. I thought it was a casual joke, and answer him as it was. Hehe, Mamoru thinks I am a big soccer fan, so I should know everything about the J-league matches program. But, actually, I do not care about them at all.

-So, that's why he told me that –I inferred, feeling silly

I looked at the ticket once again. The courage I felt when I received it vanished. Well, if the idiot Ken had brought the ticket to my apartment and left it in my mailbox –because that was obvious- I was not going to waste it. So, as an act of revenge –childish, but a revenge at last- I went to the game. I settled in the indicated chair, spent my time cheering up the Yokohama Marinos team, and shouting vulgarities to Nagoya players, especially to player number 17 –that is Ken's number, by the way-.

When the game finished –unfortunately Yokohama Marinos lost by 2 to 1- I went to the players exit area. Once there, since the security officers already know me, I could enter easily. Sometimes I used to go to the Nagoya matches and wait for Ken at the end of the game –that did not mean I went to see the match, I arrived just at the end of it, hehe-, so we used to go to eat something together.

I suppose some behaviors become habits. Because, inadvertently, I was there waiting for him like an idiot. However, the sudden arrival of Aiko brought me back to reality. She was at a little distance from me, chatting with some men who might be Grampus' executives.

Aiko was definitely more sociable than me. I was always waiting for "my friend", by myself, avoiding other people.

I looked at that woman surreptitiously, trying to understand why Ken accepted to date her. I cannot say she is not a beautiful woman: she is tall, slender and, unlike most of Japanese traditional women –who apparently worship long hair-, has short hair. He rightly likes her. Besides, she was good at engaging conversation with anyone, and is naturally friendly –something I am not-. Yep, because all of that Ken liked Aiko.

I looked away. I had had enough of so much masochism. Then, I observed the rival team players were a few meters away from me, going to their bus. I remembered Mamoru has to be there, so I went closer, without noticing that Ken was already coming out.

Some reporters approached Mamoru to interview him. I stayed a few steps away from them thinking about how much my friend had grown, and how much he had improved his skills, since he was considered one of the best players in his team. He smiled when he saw me. Once his interview finished, he came near me.

-As a fan, did you come to throw Nagoya's victory in my face? –he asked, in a mocking tone

-I don't think so. I was cheering your team up the whole game. A fan of Nagoya wouldn't do that

-Really?

-I wouldn't lie to you. I even bought a flag of Yokohama Marinos. Look –I said, showing a little flag with Yokohama's colors and emblem

-Hehe, thanks –Mamoru replied, smiling slightly

-Would you give me an autograph on my flag? –I asked, smiling

-Do you really want my autograph?

-Of course. Maybe one day it will worth a lot –I joked, and he beamed amused

-Do you have a pen? –Mamoru asked me, taking my flag

-I don't, do you?

-I don't use to have pens or markers with me when I go to a game –he answered, a little sarcastically

-Neither I when I go to a soccer stadium

-Hehe. What do you think if I give you an autograph later?

-Later?

-Yep. In about one hour, the coach will officially leave us free for today. Therefore, if you want, we can go and have a dinner

-Aren't you going back to Yokohama?

-Not today

-Then I agree. So, I will take something to get your autograph

-Haha, okay

-Tel me, where do you want to go? I will see you there

-Alright. I will look for a place around here. But, if you don't like it, you may suggest a better place

-Sounds good

-See you later

-See you –I said, shaking a hand and smiling excited. It is always good to meet a friend who you don't see usually, with whom you feel good

I turned to leave that place, thinking whether what I was wearing was okay to go to dinner or it would be better to go home and change my clothes. I didn't go so far away, when I ran into Ken, who was holding hands with Aiko. Both of them were looking at me, and I felt suddenly awkward.

-Ah, hi –I said briefly. After all, it didn't make sense pretending not seeing them and going on by

-What were you doing? –Ken asked, staring at me

-Greeting Mamoru –I answered simply- By the way, has Napoleon been eating well? –I was so uneasy that I didn't know what to say, and, all of a sudden, I remembered the cat

-Yes, he has. Since you have not been able to go, I had to change his meals schedule –Ken said. I could even swear he said that with some sarcasm, but I preferred to ignore him- Having tuna mixed with cat food has worked

-That's great –I muttered, restarting the march, trying to not show my disappointment

Well, Napoleon missed me until Ken gave him tuna. It's sad but, after all, he is his cat.

-So, where are we going today? –Ken asked, following me, without letting go Aiko's hand. I stopped and turned surprised to see him

-Wait… What?

-Why do you ask? We are going to dinner –he answered, as if it was a fact

-"We"? –I repeated, looking at Aiko, who seemed confused too

-Yes. Every time you come to the game we are used to going to eat something, aren't we?

-Ehm…

I hesitated. I was excited because he reminded that detail, but then I realized that we were not just the two of us now. There was someone else there, and she was more important to him than I was. My heart cringed, but there was no excuse to ignore that fact. I had to stop thinking about what we used to do in the past, because that had been left behind.

-I am not going –I said, moving forward. He raised his eyebrows

-Why not? –he started to follow me

-Because…she is your girlfriend, not me –I clarified, trying to not look at him. My words did hurt- And the right thing for you is going only with her

-But you're my friend. What's the big deal?

He is such a damned heartless man.

-Ehm…I think she is right, Ken-kun –Aiko said, uneasy- We just started to date. It would be okay to share more time just the two of us

-But… -he tried to insist, surely not understanding the point yet

-Besides, I already have plans –I admitted, as calmly as I could

-Do you have plans? At this time in the night? –Ken did not believe me

-Yes, I do. So I am leaving. Have a good night. Bye –I said, speeding up, not wanting to give more explanations

Furthermore, seeing Ken holding hands with Aiko did hurt and it was annoying, because I never had the chance to do that.

Later, trying to forget that unpleasant moment, I met Mamoru near the place he had chosen to go to dinner. A change from sportswear to informal clothes transforms a guy, definitely. I stuttered when greeting, because I thought he looked very handsome, and my face turned red –I hope he did not notice it-.

We entered the restaurant. The maître was verifying if there was a table available –all of the tables were occupied, since it was Saturday night-, when I felt like my heart falling to my feet: Ken appeared with Aiko. Really? Why did I have to meet them again?

-Give me a moment, please –the maître asked, going to the lounge then

I wanted to die. Could he not do it faster?

-So, this is what you meant with "having plans" –Ken told me, and I grimaced

Even when it didn't make sense, I felt guilty. However, at the same time, I was angry because his words rang as a claim.

-Hi Wakashimazu –Mamoru greeted him with such a forced kindness that resulted evident

Since a long time ago they don't get along well, and I knew it. To Mamoru, Ken was just an arrogant cocky. On the other hand, I guess, Ken had his own reasons to not having interest of being friends with Mamoru.

-Hi –Ken replied, indifferently

-Hi –Aiko smiled. Her excessive sociability started to annoy me, seriously

-I didn't know you were here. When you said about going to dinner as we used to do, I thought you would go to a Mc Donald's or so –I commented sarcastically

-Aiko-san disagreed –he alleged, while she smiled

Does she not have anything better to do than smiling all the fucking time?

-That kind of food is not appropriate for a soccer player –she said, as if she really knew about it

Well, I guess she should know about the topic since she is a nutritionist.

-From time to time, eating something like that is not bad either –Mamoru joined in the conversation. This time I was the one who smiled in an exaggerated fashion

-That's right! Besides, if you exercise you may burn those extra calories –I stated. Ken had a stern look on his face

-I should think about it before. Although, we can still do it –Mamoru joked

-Okay. Then let's escape before the maître returns –I replied, going with the flow. Then, Mamoru and I laughed at our funny ideas

However, our jokes were not seemingly hilarious to our companions. Aiko was smiling with discomfort, and Ken was looking at us severely, as if trying to decipher what was funny.

-I apologize for my delay. Please, come with me –the maître bowed elegantly

-It can't be helped. It's too late to escape –Mamoru whispered to me, and I laughed quietly

-Well, have a good night –I said to the other ones, using a neutral tone of voice

I did not want to imagine the following plans Ken and Aiko had, but I did wish Napoleon to scratch a hand of her at least if she tried to approach him. Wishing her being scratched in the face would be very cruel and childish on my side, but it would have been funny.

-Good bye –Mamoru said, and then we follow the maître

I did not turn. I did not want to turn and see how Ken was leaving with Aiko. What is for sure, Ken did not care that I preferred to be with Mamoru.

Maybe, he even thought that it was a coincidence that Mamoru and I met there. That I was going to dinner and, coincidentally, Mamoru was there too. Don't ask me.

While being with Mamoru I tried not to think of Ken, and I did. Even though, Mamoru himself reminded him.

-Were you and Wakashimazu dating? –he suddenly asked

-Hehe. What? Of course not –I answered, feeling uneasy

Even when I wanted to date Ken, that doesn't mean we did.

-Why do you ask?

-I don't know. I thought you did

-How could you think that?

-Because it seemed you met an ex-boyfriend just now

-Hahaha. What the hell? An ex-boyfriend? Ken is just my friend –I clarified. My own words did hurt

-But did you like him? –he looked at me with curiosity

My smile suddenly disappeared. I didn't want to talk about Ken. I was having a great time with Mamoru. So, why did he have to screw it up?

-I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but saying "I did" doesn't matter much anymore, right? –I forced a smile

I was not going to cry and tell him about my sorrows, if I just had the chance to meet him. Besides, what Mamoru thought about Ken would get worse if I give my current opinion about him.

-Wow, that's a good answer –he said, with a little smile

-I am very smart –I joked arrogantly

-Really smart. Nevertheless, you are also fun, pretty, interesting… -he kept talking

I didn't know if he was kidding. I preferred to believe he was.

-Moreover, I have money –I added, still joking- It doesn't matter if the money belongs to my family

-That's true! You have a good family too

-My family is not good at all, but whatever, hahaha

We kept chatting and laughing for quite a while. Luckily (for me), neither of us mentioned Ken again.

Once we finished dinner, he accompanied me home. I was going to ask him in, but it would have been inappropriate. After all, he is a guy, I live by myself, and I did want to avoid misunderstandings. Although, thinking about that didn't make sense, since sometimes Ken used to stay and sleep on the sofa.

But, you know, Ken is kind of special when dealing with me. He would never be able to hurt a hair of my head, even if I appear naked in front of him. I already said that.

Mamoru is also my friend, but I do not see him regularly. Besides, I started to think he was attractive. So, I discarded the idea of being alone with him.

-Thanks for coming with me –I said, once we were in front of my building

-Thank you for such a beautiful night. At least I am not mad at losing the game anymore –he answered, with a sincere smile

-Better times will come –I joked, patting one of his shoulders

-I hope so or we will become a laughingstock in the J-league

-No worries. Other teams are worse –I tried to comfort him

-Hahaha. Thank you, I guess…

-Hehe. Have a safe trip

-Sleep tight

He smiled and I stared at him like a fool. However, I forced myself to react. After all, that guy is Mamoru, my friend. He is not any guy who looks attractive to me, a guy for whom I drop the drool shamelessly (leaving aside I already had fallen in love with someone else).

Mamoru left and I entered the building. On my way home, I thought I was lucky for having Mamoru when I met Aiko and Ken that night. Otherwise, it would have been very painful and I would have seemed pathetic going home by myself, while thinking what they would be doing.

Yep, I am definitely a masochist.

 _Paola Wakabayashi, Naoko Hoshigawa, Aiko Fujimiya and Napoleon (the cat) are OC characters created by Tsuki_W._

 _All the Captain Tsubasa's characters belong to Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha._

 _Thank you for reading!_


	5. Chapter 5

This story was translated from the Spanish story "Mírame", written by myself.

Since English is not my first language, and this is my first fanfic in English, I hope you might tolerate the mistakes I could have made. Thank you.

 **Look at me**

 **Chapter 5**

As the days went by, Mamoru kept sending messages and calling me occasionally.

His messages became more extensive, and his calls lasted longer because we used to talk about random issues. Since we met again, it seemed that we earned each other's confidence once more. So, having contact with him got more common for me.

On the other hand, although I did not have any chance to see Ken lately –because I would not look for him anymore-, he did not even give a smoke sign. I guess he was having a good time with his girlfriend, so he would not remember me. The fool of me, who was prepared to keep distance from him, but was not giving everything of myself to get him out of my head.

I had to ignore him, especially because he did not even remember me. However, Kazuki called me and flipped my plans off. He told me that, allegedly, Ken suffered a blow on his head during a training session; and now he was at the hospital. I did not think twice and –as fatalistic as I am- imagined Ken was about to die. Later, I realized I never asked Kazuki how bad Ken was, instead of just going to the hospital without thinking a little bit more about it.

Once there, I saw the coach and someone else from the team staff talking to a doctor. Takeuchi -a teammate and friend of Ken- was also there. He noticed me and encouraged me to go into Ken's room. I took a deep breath before coming in. It would have been better not entering the room or, at least, waiting a couple of minutes more before doing that, so I would prevent myself of watching Aiko kissing Ken on the lips. I looked away. My heart hurt, and I wanted to leave. Even though this idea did not make any sense, since I had just arrived.

I reprimand myself for being a coward. After all, I already knew that if they were dating, they would do more things than just holding hands. I cleared my throat, so they would be able to note that I was there too. Aiko looked at me and walked some steps away from Ken. She said hello and I think I gave a response. I am uncertain about that, because my mouth only tossed a soft murmur that had to be an answer.

That woman was quite perceptive, at least, because as I did not give a nice response as she would have expected, Aiko came up with an excuse about going to talk to the doctor, and left the room. I was squeezing my hand, feeling anxious, and was concerned about seeing Ken lying in that bed, because he never suffered an injury severe enough to send him to the hospital; apart from that time when he was a kid and was admitted because of a car accident.

-How do you feel? –I asked, staying near the door

-I'm okay. I told the doctors I'm fine, but they insist on keeping me under observation

-What happened?

-I miscalculated when jumping. Then, one of my fellows pushed me and my head stroke the goal's post –Ken said, with seeming indifference

-I see… -I mumbled. It was a bad idea going to see him, because he did not care if I were there or not

Awkward silence. He pretended there was something interesting to see through the window –although the curtains were closed-. Meanwhile, I was playing with my fingers.

-If you can, please go and pick Napoleon up from my apartment tonight –Ken said, after some time, still not looking at me- Aiko-san tried to feed him, but he did not want to approach her yet and scurries from her

I was proud of that cat.

-I will take him with me. Don't worry –I had no idea what to say next

-Thanks…

A new awkward silence. The door opened and Aiko appeared again.

-Ehm… I should go now –I said. Just then, Ken decided to turn his head to look at me surprised

-Are you leaving now? –he asked, frowning

-Yes, I am. Your girlfriend is here, so you will be safe –I tried to force a smile

It hurt, but I had to remark why I was leaving, to see if he realizes the situation. However, I did not have very high expectations of it.

-Thank you for coming –Aiko said with cordiality, a strained cordiality that was increasingly bugging me

-It is my duty. After all… He is my friend –I pointed it out, looking at him with nostalgia, but he did not even notice it- Take care and follow the doctor's instructions, okay?

-Whatever… -Ken grunted and turned his face again. That really hurt me

Why was he angry? Was there anything I did not understand? He was perhaps upset because I appeared when he was all lovey-dovey with his girlfriend. Anyway, I did not want to inquire into his reasons. I prefer to leave him alone, just as a mother with a little kid throwing a fit.

-Bye –I said, opening the door and leaving

At the aisle, Takeuchi looked surprised to see me leaving so soon. I lied and said that I had to go with Napoleon as soon as possible, because he might be starving. Takeuchi smiled and wished me good luck. Then, I left without regard of anyone else. I wanted to run away. I realized that I had been replaced in Ken's life. As his friend, that place in his life was not for me anymore. Aiko was there now. I had to accept it, although it was easier said than done.

As I had promised, I went to Ken's apartment, picked Napoleon up and took him home with me. Two days later, Ken appeared on my doorstep saying he was there to take his cat with him. Seemingly, he was discharged that morning –I was told that by Kazuki-. I did not want to confirm if that was true or not, because I had not gone back to the hospital to ask how Ken was, nor called him. For what? He didn't care if I was there or not.

-I'll be right back. I'll go for it –I said, murmuring an answer to his greeting

I got back with the cage and pick Napoleon up. I kissed his head and pet his back, recommending that he had to be good and eat properly.

-There you go. Now you can take him with you –I did not want to see Ken- He just ate some minutes ago, so consider that. Don't overfeed him

-Could you tell me why you have been ignoring me? –Ken asked suddenly, I was surprised because I didn't expect he would notice my change. Maybe I had been really obvious

-I have not been ignoring you –I came up with that excuse, looking at him as calmed as I could pretend

-I was in the hospital for two days, but you never appeared. Not to mention that before that you did not even send a message or call me once to have a meal together. What's going on?

-Nothing. In any case, you could call or send a message too, right?

-Yes, I could, but that is not the matter now. You are acting strange, so something is wrong with you

-Why do you say that I am acting strange? –it is not possible, did he really notice it? What a miracle!

-Are you angry at me for anything?

-Should I?

-Stop answering with another question –he frowned

-Everything is okay with me, so don't imagine things. The blow to your head was perhaps so strong that you are having hallucinations

-Does it have to be with Aiko-san? –he ignored my joke. My heart skipped a beat. Did he really get it? Since when was he able to notice that kind of things? Well, he was not as foolish as I had thought

-It does and it doesn't –I tried to act calmed

-What do you mean?

-It does, because she is your girlfriend now and I can understand that you have to spend more time with her, not with me who is JUST your friend –I cruelly emphasized, with the same cruelty that he and his indifference had been showing to me

-Having a girlfriend does not change anything between us –Ken clarified, appearing to be confused

-I know that

-So, what's the matter?

My heart was already beating faster, and started to hurt because he was not aware of how hard was facing the situation for me. I bit my tongue, I couldn't release those words that I had been keeping inside myself for a long time ago.

-Well, will you give an answer?

-What do you want me to say? –I replied, getting angry

-Do you have any problem with Aiko-san?

-Problem? I do not have any problem with her

-You have to. Because you are acting strange and, thinking about it, everything began when I started dating her

-Are you telling me that I am jealous?

-No, I'm not, but I want to know what the problem with her is. I'm sure of that

-Do I have a problem?! –I'd had enough of his saying that- First tell me what is YOUR problem!

-My problem? What the hell are you talking about? You are the one with the problem

-Me? Well, yes. If you wanna know, yes, yes I do, I do have a problem! My problem is you! –I blew up. Once I finished those words I regretted. They were not supposed to be released

-What? –he looked really confused

-You are the problem! You are my problem! 'Cause it doesn't matter how many times I tell myself that, I can't accept that I can't be with you, and that hurts! –I finally confessed, feeling a knot in my throat

-What are you talking about? –he did not understand anything

-What am I talking about? LOOK AT ME. That is what I am talking about! Look at me! I have been talking about that for more than ten years! Look at me…but you never did it –I complained, my eyes full of tears

-What?

-I am just a friend for you, but I wished that this would change some day. However, reality hit my face when I realized that would never happen, because you never saw me as a woman. I acknowledged it when you chose a woman quite different from me. So, I do not even know what I was really expecting from you

-… -Ken looked at me very confused. Obviously he did not understand what I was saying

-I liked you –I confessed, looking at him with a mix of anger and pain- I like you. I couldn't say it before, but it's true…

-What? –he was quite wide-eyed. Well, I guess I already expected that kind of reaction

-Since a long time ago I don't see you only as a friend. I like you, I feel attracted by you. I even think that…I have fallen in love with you –I kept saying. There was no reason for saving anything inside my heart, since with every word I felt more and more relieved- I have been waiting in vain for you to feel the same for me. Although I can't blame you, because that was only a mere illusion I made up for myself

-Are you serious? –he asked with the face of "this ought to be a bad joke", and that really offended me. How could he think I would joke with that matter?

-Of course I'm serious!

-But…

-Avoid answering, I don't need it. I already know what you are gonna say –I cut him. My heart hurt ever more- "I'm sorry, but I see you only as a friend", right? –I forced a smile, he said nothing. When he looked down I knew I had hit the nail on the head- That's the reason of why I have been ignoring you, because I need to stay away from you. I want to cut our routine out, because I don't feel okay when I see you being along with Aiko. That hurts me, and I can't be such a masochistic pretending that everything is fine

-I didn't know –he muttered

-Of course you didn't know, you never knew it. If I don't tell you, you would never know about it –I complained- You are a dumb…

Ken looked at me with concern. I guess he could at least deduced how bad I was feeling because of him.

-Thereby, we should keep distance between us. You are okay with Aiko, and I don't fit in your life on that way anymore

-But you are still my friend –he alleged, as trying to solve everything just saying those simple words. He might be cruel and naïve at the same time

-Yes, I am, but it hurts. Don't you get it?

-Not entirely…

-Hehe, then I will summarize it for you. I don't want to see you because you are with someone else, and being with you while you are with her is painful for me. You are with someone else whom you do consider a real woman. Is it clear now? So, it would be better if you get used to not seeing me as usual. Although that won't be so hard for you –I added sarcastically- After all, you have done very well in the last weeks –he said nothing- It is sad to realize that I was giving more than I should. That the only indication I left was an empty refrigerator or a cat who doesn't want to eat; that the only living being who noticed I was not there was your cat, the same and only one who is gonna miss me in your apartment. Even though, he might forget me if you give some tuna to him –I said, grieved. I know Napoleon is an animal and doesn't think, but that reasoning did not ease my pain

-I…

-Get out –I asked him. I did not want to listen to him. I did not want regrets. I did not want him to comfort me, I did not want his compassion- I have already humiliated myself enough, so please get out

-I leave, but we need to talk about this again –Ken said, taking the cage and heading to the door

-No, we don't. We are not going to talk about this anymore. This issue was already settled, and I won't say anything else about it. I told what I had to tell you, and I feel better now because you know it

-You are unfair

-Not as much as you during all this time –I replied, clenching my fists

Ken did not say anything else, just looked at me and left. When I closed the door, I just dropped down on the floor and bitterly cried. I already knew that my confession was going to have such a bad answer, but I could not imagine that it would be that hard. It had been more painful than expected.

I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't tell someone about my situation, so the next day I called up Naoko to get all my pain off my chest. She listened to me patiently, word by word, curse by curse. Although I do not know how much she could understand, since I was crying and talking at the same time. So, I guess what I said was not clear enough.

Naoko is able to understand me as no one else can, because she is not only my bestie but a woman. This last detail makes a big difference between talking to her and to Kazuki. He understands me, I can't deny it, but sometimes his point of view might be lightly different from mine. As a man, he gives very simple and nonsense solutions to some important and serious matters for me. The relationship between Ken and me was one of those matters. So, at that time I needed someone telling me "yeah, you're right", not a "you are exaggerating things, you have to learn to lose".

Thus, in the knowledge that I was going through a very bad moment, Naoko came to Nagoya to be with me. I can't tell how grateful I was. However, since she has a family, I could not be selfish and not consider that. So, after two days I asked her to go back to Tokyo, and she insisted I should go with her. I couldn't, I was studying and had been missing school lately. That was my excuse for not going with her.

Nevertheless, as Naoko is as she is –she is the most stubborn and manipulative person I have ever known-, eventually my friend managed to convince me to go with them to Yokohama that weekend. If I didn't go she would be worried thinking about me, and it might be possible to neglect Mizuki –her little child- because of that.

I had to break my resistance, I was left with no other alternative. All in all, I also wanted to leave Nagoya for a while. Thus, I took the chance not only for the weekend but also for some more days –days off in the University- and went to Yokohama. I told Kazuki something about it. Actually, I told him about what had happened with Ken. That he already knew about my feelings, and I needed to keep some distance.

Predictably, my best friend said I was being very dramatic on the matter, but having been honest with Ken was good. When Naoko learned what Kazuki said, she called him up to insult him and then hung up. She felt outraged by the insensitivity of the "men syndicate". I think Kazuki never comprehended why he received the insult, hahaha, but he deserved it.

Although, ironically, Naoko herself was very insensitive on her own way, because even when she was well intended, on my second day in Yokohama, Naoko had already planned having a lunch with some friend of her. A "coincidentally" single friend. I wanted to die -of shame or rage, I don't know-, but I did not want to be there.

That guy was quite handsome, I must admit it, and appeared to be a nice person. However, I didn't like him even a little nor had any sympathy for him for no special reason. When being with someone who is not to my taste and, incidentally, is a stranger; I might be blunt and less sociable. So Naoko threatened me just with a look, trying to convince me to talk to that guy, but what could I do? I couldn't fake and pretend I wanted to know more about him. I did not feel good, I was still sad, but Naoko did not consider that.

I made up a story –that I wanted some specific ice cream-, and flew from that place. Half an hour later Naoko called me up wanting to know where I was. I lied saying I was lost –which was credible because I am not an orientated person-, but I would ask someone for directions, so I would go back to her house. I hung up and mentally apologized for lying to her. Then I turned my cellphone off, I didn't want to be insisted on meeting her friend and I didn't want to go back.

I sat on a park bench, looking absently at the people passing by. Some of them were walking with their dogs. One of those dogs –which was unleashed- approached me and let me pat its back. Some minutes later he seemingly had enough and returned with its owner, who was lovey-dovey with a woman, his girlfriend I guess.

I giggled when I saw the woman being startled by the barking dog, they had not seen him approaching. She looked like she didn't like the animal. Then, I don't know why, I started thinking about I always liked dogs –even though I could never have one because they were not allowed at Toho's internship-. I don't dislike cats, but I prefer dogs, they are nicer. However, I had come to really love Napoleon, maybe because I have known him since he is a kitten, and I fed and took care of him along with Ken since he rescued him from a box in the middle of the rain. It might perhaps sound corny, but it was like raising a child together, because we have been always very concerned about that cat.

Napoleon…I really miss him. I was hoping he was eating properly and being friendly to Aiko –I truly mean it-. Otherwise, Ken may be angry with him and I could not be there to defend him. Hmmm… Come to think of it, Ken never told me why he chosen that name for the cat. At the beginning he was satisfied calling him _"Neko"._ It is not original at all, I know, but you have to consider that the name of his dog is _Mumei_ (anonymous). So don't expect much from him.

I just remember that he started to call "Napoleon" to his cat some time afterwards a couple of friendly games the Japanese team played against some European teams. Maybe he liked one of the French player's last name –to whom I had the chance to meet-. Who knows? Ken's mind and how it works are an absolute mystery.

I left wondering nothing at all for a while. Suddenly, as realizing where I was, I remembered Mamoru and decided to send him a text message. Needless to say that I wouldn't tell him why I was in Yokohama –grieving after being rejected-. So I just said I was in the city and we might meet if he had free time. Fortunately for me, Mamoru was free that night, so we planned meeting later.

Thinking about it now, it would have been better if I didn't send any message to him, thus my chaotic life wouldn't get messier.

As soon as Naoko knew about my meeting with Mamoru, she forced me to dress a "special occasion's outfit" –a so low-cut blouse and a so short skirt that I felt very ashamed only by seeing them-. I looked almost naked, and said I would not go out dressing like that. Naoko knows how stubborn I can get, so I could dress the way I wanted. I mean, I chose a nice outfit, because even when we did not admit it, that meeting seemed a date. So I dressed appropriately for the occasion, but not being half naked as Naoko wanted.

 _Paola Wakabayashi, Naoko Hoshigawa, Aiko Fujimiya and Napoleon (the cat) are OC characters created by Tsuki_W._

 _All the Captain Tsubasa's characters belong to Yoichi Takahashi and Shueisha._

 _Thank you for reading!_


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